Last night I watched two women say goodnight to each other. Daughter, pleasant and middle-aged, was answering Mother's stream of questions as she eased out the door. Mother's inquiries focused on extended family plans and whether Daughter would be joining her, expressing concern that Daughter feel included.
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Daughter declined the invitation, offering, "I want to be with Ron."
"Well I just want to be sure you're okay," insisted Mother.
"I want to be with Ron," Daughter repeated, lifting her hand to stroke her mother's cheek and even gently run a finger down her nose. A touch as grace-filled and eloquent to me, Silent Witness, as Michelangelo's divinely outstretched finger reaching to enliven humanity. A tender moment that captures the best of family. Inclusion. Boundaries. Respect. Choices. Support. Affection.
Families aren't always such places of balance and satisfaction. But blessed are we when they are. And we have within our hands and hearts the ability, to some degree, to shape our families.
Therapists often use a mobile to describe family interactions. If one part of the model is touched, no matter how lightly, that movement affects every other part. Similarly, if a change occurs in a family-a job change, a death, a new life, a broken heart-that affects every other member.
As people of faith, can we draw on the resources of God's love and the Spirit's wisdom to strengthen our relationships? In your hand, you hold power to strengthen and grace your family.
Would you like something different in your family? Are you open to taking a risk? Think of the family relationship where you have the most conflict, or a moderate degree of stress or strain. Now imagine all the things which could improve the situation. Jot them down, no censoring.
After you've compiled as many ideas as possible, circle the ones which are in your control. After all, you are the one in charge of how you interact with family members. Perhaps, like me, you prefer to focus on how others can improve or contribute. This strategy focuses on what I can do, how I can create affirming family relations. The power of one.
Take a closer look at your list. Perhaps some of the ideas are too unwieldy or extreme (host a family reunion for 50) or too large (forgive the betrayal). Patience-with yourself and others-is beneficial. Hopefully there are one or two items that look quite possible. If you're drawing a blank, go to the well of another family member, a trusted friend or professional helper and tap them for suggestions.
As you implement your step, hold in your mind the image of two family members greeting each other with tenderness and physical touch, as described above. Take a deep breath, be of good courage and reach out. Your gesture will affect all around you.
The writer is a counsellor and author. She is also a part-time master of divinity student and a member of Charleswood Mennonite Church in Winnipeg.
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